Simon Somners Weekly Columnist

COUNT CHOCULA IS GOING TO MELT YOUR BRAIN!

Have you ever thought to yourself that somewhere out there in the world today, there is a cereal that melts the consumer’s brain?  Well there is!  Scientists recently discovered that kid-loved cereal “Count Chocula” has a tiny amount of bio-thermal nuclear fissions in them, which has a tendency to cause brain-melting tumors!

Over the past seven years, twelve cases of brain-melted kids have been presented to Swedish brain surgeon Sven Speigelsson.  “I haf noted, dat in my pvevious encounters wif dese childven, dere bvains vere liqvified and vere vunning out off dere ears.  Off course, ven dis started happening, I voss shocked!  Ven I qvestioned de pavents afftervards, dey said dat dere childven vere mad Count Chocula eaters, and had been eating de ceveal for years.”  Said the surprised Swede.

Lonny Donnelly, an expert on these sorts of things, thinks it was a conspiracy to destroy the youth of America.  “Obviously, some psycho child-haters who probably work in the Count Chocula factory added some of this nuclear stuff to the mix, and badda-bing, badda-boom, let the brain-melting begin!”

If you ask me, this is the government’s way of cutting down on the ever growing population of the United States!  They have most likely stationed two special agents in this company, and “accidentally” dropped a little plutonium in to the mix.  Ingenious scheme, Mr. Bush.  Too bad it’s the most retarded thing I’ve ever heard in my noble, God-fearing life.

When questioned about the problem, the manager of the production unit of General Mills, Jim Smith, was denying of the problem.  “No way it was us!  All of my employees are either great friends of mine, or illiterate Mexicans who couldn’t get their hands on an ounce of Plutonium if their life depended on it!  No doubt about it, it was obviously done in the packaging sequence of the cycle.  I’ve seen those guys before, and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it was one of them depositing the stuff.  They look real dodgy to me.”  Sure.  Everybody believes you.  If anyone wants to be safe from this dangerous cereal, we should all rally together and impeach George Bush.  So remember everybody, stay tuned.

ALDP'S FUN FACT!

Contrary to what various gays may have told you, SPAM is just pork shoulder and gelatin.  The ammount of baby eels and Chinese transiants in it is so small it's laughable.  As a matter of fact, I have laughed at that before and plan on laughing at it again in the near future.