Okay, we were finally in. ALDP sat in the back row of the theater with his three guests and suggested I should probably sit near the front to get a better feel for the movie. I reluctantly agreed and ended up sitting next to some greasy nerd and his 300 pound girlfriend in a spot that forced my neck to bend at something like a reverse 90 degree angle to see anything. As my spine hurried to sever itself from my brain, the previews started. Bar none, kid's movies have the best previews of anything else you can see. Even if you're going in to see a gritty melodramatic mess like "Changing Lanes" you'll probably want to stop into some G rated movie just to hang out for a while. The only previews you see in boring movies are previews for other boring movies. If you've been looking forward to the political thriller starring Kevin Bacon as a soil researcher, then great. Personally, I'd rather hear about a movie with lasers and pushy grown-ups getting hit with balloons full of pudding because some kids are overthrowing a government conspiracy with their bicycles.
Mostly the previews looked pretty good. Lilo & Stitch and the Powerpuff girls movie are some films I'll undoubtedly go see and review in the future. Then I saw a preview for "Hey Arnold: The Movie". Christ. Fucking HEY ARNOLD. It's like even Nickelodeon's failures get to have their own movie if they can somehow be on for more than half a season. Too bad I never saw any Ren & Stimpy movie. I'd go out on a limb and say we'll definately be seeing a SpongeBob Squarepants movie in the near future too. Also look for my stunning expose on hating everything when "Rocket Power: 2 The MAX" comes out next summer. I tried to look away at these parts but the screen was reflected in the kid next to me's skin so I was out of luck.
Finally after all this stalling I started typing about the movie itself. Yes, I'm writing this as I'm here at the theater. I brought my satellite position recieving laptop with me and the rest of the interview is actually live. Okay, here I'm looking at the screen...some words...words...the west...yeah...Okay great, the movie opens with some grass and how great the world is. Whatever, if I wanted that I'd go see the parts inbetween fighting dinosaurs in the Jurassic Park movies. Why the fuck did I come to see this? Because it's my job, that's why. Yeah, a job I don't get paid for and hate doing. Christ, ALDP is probably up there fondling two of those girls with his hands and one of them with...I dunno, his foot or something I guess. Meanwhile, I'm down here next to two lumps of fat gyrating around each other. Oh, the horses are running...how magical.
Sorry, I dropped my laptop for a minute and it took a while to pry these balloons out of their seats so I could pick it up. Okay so um Spirit got captured because he went and walked around in a camp of sleeping army guys and woke them up. I can't say this moron even deserves freedom at this point. I was under the impression he was hunted deep into the wilderness or something and captured. A horse this retarded would of just walked off a cliff one day anyway so he might as well get imprisoned and made into glue. God, why the hell am I here? This is the dullest cartoon I've ever watched. It's like the Lion King only they're not in a Jungle, nothing says anything, and it's all completely gay.
I went up to ask ALDP what he thought of the movie but he was already gone when I got there. So here I am stuck seeing this by myself. Well, I'll show him. I'm not even going to watch all of this. I'll just stay for like ten more minutes then I'm getting out of here. Oh yeah, they captured the horse and Bryan Adams sang some stuff like a girl. I can really feel my journalistic integrity going out the window as I type. Did I mention none of the horses in this have penises?
Okay, it's been like the rest of the movie now. Basically he was freed with a girl horse and they ran away to rejoin some other horses and horse horse horse...Whatever. This taught me nothing at all about Spirit or Freedom. Plus I can already see this being made into a direct-to-video sequel. The kids in the theater look kind of bored too. I think they were at least expecting some kind of comic relief other than some lovable indian getting spit on. Okay I'm getting out of here now...Right now...after I watch the credits role. I might as well see who made this movie so I can complain about it even more when I'm done seeing it.
Later that night I was sitting on a windmill looking up at the stars and reflecting on the movie. I was probably way too hard on it earlier. It was drawn reasonably well I guess, even though a lot of it was done with computers. And the story was good, even though it was about a horse outwitting the US army. I think the only real reason the movie was a failure was Bryan Adams and furthermore all of Canada. Having insulted Canada in some obscure way I decided to go to bed. Sorry about this.