Wally, Rocky, & Wally

Scene:The offices offices of Wally, Rocky, & Wally, Attorneys at Law.   Foxy, the receptionist, is polishing her nails.  Wally bursts in

:  Good morning, Wally.

:  Never mind that.  Get President Hoover on the phone.  There's a picture of me in the police station and it doesn't do me justice.  It makes me look like my father.  Never mind calling the president.  Just find out what the reward is.

  :  Wally, I've got some letters for you to sign.

:  Not now, not now!  I've had a big day in court.

  :  What was the case?

:  Disorderly conduct, but I think I'll get off.  Why shouldn't I?  She hit me first.

  :  Wally!  You hit a woman?

:  Well, she was my size.  Even smaller.  Besides, if it weren't for my own arrests, I'd never get a case.  Any calls?

  :  Yes, your creditors have been calling all morning.  They said they're tired of phoning and that something will have to be done.

:  All right.  We'll do something.  We'll have the phone taken out.

  :  Okay.

:  That's a good girl.  Your salary is raised ten dollars.

  :  Thank you, Wally.

:  It's nothing at all.  Say, how about lending me that ten till payday?

  :  But Wally, I haven't been payed in weeks.  Besides, you overlook the fact-

:  I've overlooked plenty around here.  A fine stenographer you are!  What do you do with your time?  The floors aren't washed, the windows aren't cleaned, and my pants aren't even pressed.

  :  But Wally-

:  Enough of this small talk.  Where's that ten dollars?

Wally retires to his office.  Soon after, Foxy ushers in a client-a nervous, worried soul named Pal.

:  How do you do, Wally?  A friend of mine told me you were a good lawyer.

:  You just think he's a friend of yours.  Sit down.  Have you got a couple of cigars?

:  Uh...no, I'm sorry.

:  Well, why don't you send out for some?  If you've got a quarter, I'll go myself.

:  Oh, no, no, Wally.

:  What's the matter?  Don't you trust me?

:  Why-I'd like to talk to you.  I'm having trouble with my wife.

:  You are!  Well, I'm having trouble with my wife, too, but I don't go around bragging about it.  Hmm.  You oughta be ashamed of yourself.  Foxy,  show this gentleman the door.  On second thought, never mind.  He saw it when he came in.

:  But, Wally-I came to you for advice.  Let me tell you a story.  My wife is in love with two men, and-

:  Ha, ha, ha!  Not a bad story.  The boys are repeating it around the club.  Now let me tell you one.  There were two traveling men named Pat and Mike-

:  No, no, Wally.  I came here with a problem.  I'm looking for evidence against my wife.

:  What you really want is someone to shadow your wife.  I've got just the man for you-my new assistant, Duke.  He looks like an idiot and talks like an idiot.  But don't let that fool you.  He really is an idiot.  You and Duke have a lot in common.

:  Wally, my time is valuable.  Let me give you the facts.  I married my wife secretly.

:  You married her secretly?  You mean you haven't told her about it?  No wonder she runs around with other men.

:  Wally, we must get this divorce-I want your assistant, Duke, to follow my wife.

:  One thing at a time.  Let's get the divorce first and then we can all follow your wife.

&  Here I am, boss.  You callin' Duke?

:   See here.  I don't like your sleeping on the company's time.

:  I don't like sleeping on it, either.  Why don't you buy me a bed?

:  Duke, as long as you're going to trail my wife, I think I ought to describe her to you.  She's of medium height and...but never mind, I've got a photograph.

:  Hey, 'at'sa fine.  Awright.  I'll take a dozen.

:  I'm not selling them.

:  You mean, I get it for nothing?

:  Of course.

:  Awright.  Then I take two dozen.

:  One picture ought to be enough for the present.  There's one man my wife has been paying particular attention to.  I'm counting on you to find out who he is.  Do you think you can do it?

:  Sure, you leave 'im to me.  I find out who the man was with your wife.  And I find out quick.

:  Really?  How are you going to do it?

:  Well, first I put on a disguise...

:  Yes?

:  Then I get a bloodhound...

:  Yes??

:  Then I go to your house...

:  Yes???

:  Then I ask your wife.

(Applause)

Two weeks later at the offices of Wally, Rocky, & Wally.

  :  Law offices of Wally, Rocky, and Wally ...Oh, hello, Pal.  I didn't recognize your voice...Yes, Duke is still trailing your wife ...but it hasn't been long ...just two weeks.  We expect Duke in the office this morning.  He says he has some news  ...Okay, I'll tell Wally you'll be in  ...Goodbye

(Wally comes in).

:  Good morning, Wally-

:  Foxy, before I forget-call Duke and tell him to be sure and overlseep.

  :  But he phoned and said he was coming right in.

:  In that case, I'm going right back to the poolroom.

(he heads for the door)

  :  But Pal is on his way here to talk to you about his divorce. 

:  That's all he ever talks to me about.  I'm getting pretty sick of it, too.

  :  But Wally, that's your business.

:  Well, I wish he'd keep his nose out of my business.

(Door opens.)

  :  Shh!  Someone's coming in.  I think it's Pal.  How do you do, Pal?

:  How do you do, Foxy?  Morning, Wally.  About my divorce-

:  Divorce!  You going to start that again?  Listen, Pal, can I sell you a ticket to the Firemen's Ball?  It's a five-dollar ticket, and it's yours for a buck and a half.

:  Why, this is last year's ticket.

:  I know it is, but they had a better show last year.

:  Wally, when will I find out about my divorce case?

:  See here, Pal, don't change the subject.  What about that ticket?

:  I don't like to appear impatient, Wally, but your assistant was supposed to bring in some evidence against my wife.  Where is Duke?

:  Hey!  Who'sa calling Duke?  Here I am.

:  Ah, Duke, I'd like to get the results of your investigation.  Have you been trailing my wife?

:  Sure, I shadow her all day.

:  What day was that?

:  That was Shadowday.  I went right to your house-

:  What did you find out?

:  I find your wife out.

:  Then you wasted the entire two weeks?

:  No.  Monday, I shadow your wife.  Tuesday, I go to the ballgame-she don't show up.  Wednesday, she go to the ball game-I don't show up.  Thursday was a doubleheader.  We both no show up.  Friday it rain all day-there's no ball game, so I go fishing.

:  Well, what's that got to do with my wife?

:  Well, I no catcha no fish, but I catch your wife.

:  You caught my wife-with a man?  Who was he?

:  I don't wanna say.

:  I insist that you tell me the man's name.

:  I don't wanna tell.

:  Listen, Pal, my assistant isn't the type of fellow who'd bandy a man's good name in public-

:  For the last time, gentleman-who was the man?

:  Come clean, Duke, who was the man with his wife?

:  Awright, awright.  You maka me tell, I tell you.  Pal, the man with your wife was my boss, Wally.

:  This is an outrage.  My attorney is going out with my wife!

:  What do you mean, outrage?  Don't you think I'm good enough for her?

:  I'm going to get a new attorney.

:  Hmm!  I suppose you think we can't get a new client.

:  Good day!  (He stomps out and slams the door.)

:  Duke, you did noble work.  You can have the rest of the year off.  And if you never come back, I'll give you a bonus.

:  Well, boss, there's something I wanna tell you.

:  Go right ahead.  I'm not listening.

:  You want I should never come back?

:  In a word, yes.

 :  Awright, boss, I make you a proposition.  If you want I should never come back, I gotta have more money.

:  Duke, it's worth it.  (Applause, theme music)

Announcer: The crowd in the studio is giving the Marx brothers  Dog Heads a great ovation.  We hope you in the radio audience enjoyed them as much as we did.  Wally and Duke will be back next Monday at this same time.