You like TV. I like TV. Everyone likes TV. If somebody doesn't like TV you should hit them, and say something silly like "Are you daft boy?" because that's the kind people do on TV, and everyone thinks stuff like that is funny. I've watched TV since it was first introduced and I listened to radio shows before that. I'm 126. Kill me. Please. ANYWAYS, with that much experience I feel that I am the most qualified for the job of telling everyone why they like TV.
Italians: Have you ever seen a good tv show without at least one greasy Italian? Of course not. Whether he is a short guy trying to play basketball, like in Hang Time, or an unemployed LOWLIFE(TV WORD) that's always trying to get money or sex, like Bob in Becker, the laughs will never stop while they are around. I can imagine what the perfect sit-com would be. It would have a name like "Little Italy" and would be about an Italian family living in Little Italy. It would have all of the members of the family in it. The 7-11 year old son and the 4-6 year old daughter that are always hanging around eachother and trying to steal cookies and getting into trouble. Then there would be the 14-16 year old daughter that has a typical teenage life involving dating, school, and peer pressure(REGARDLESS OF YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS' LIVES, ALL TYPICAL TEENAGE LIVES INVOLVE THOSE THREE THINGS). She'd probably end up being faced with a decision involving whether or not to have sex with her boyfriend in one episode, because that kind of stuff interests people.You know, one of those episodes that the commercials say every parent should watch with their children. Then there would be the 17-19 year old brother that is always having trouble with the ladies. He would often give bad advice to the younger siblings, with hilarious consequences. In some cases, this character can have an episode in which a kid threatens him and there can be another one of those "All parents should watch this episode with their children" things. After that there would obviously be the 2 parents with ages ranging from 36-48 for the father and 34-45 for the mother. Finally we would have the crazy grandpa and the wise-cracking grandma. A typical scene would probably be like this: John, the father, and Gloria, the mother, are sitting on the couch reading newspapers. John will be reading Sports and Gloria will be reading some girly section about the arts because a good TV show never rocks the boat with things like women being interested in sports unless there is an Archie Bunker character to make a funny joke about it. They sit there reading for a while. John glances at Gloria, and she glances back. Suddenly they jump on eachother and start KISSING PASSIONATELY(TV PHRASE) with the Something-that-is-above-average-funny-just-happened laugh track playing. All of a sudden the younger son, Vinnie, and the little daughter, Constanzia(AFFECTIONATELY NICKNAMED CONNIE), walk by with chocolate smeared on their faces. They pause in the doorway and look at their still-kissing parents. A something-of-average-funny-happened laugh track runs. Then they slowly begin sneaking by, towing a wagon behind them with a broken cookie jar in it. The laugh track increases to a something-of-above-average-funny-happened level. The tykes tip-toe over to the stairs and carefully lift the wagon to begin their ascent. As soon as they hit the middle step, John, without looking up at them, yells "Hold it right there, ya little mobsters." An I-cracked-a-rib-laughing-at-that-divinely-hilarious-joke-and-I'm-not-even-going-to-acknowledge-the-pain-because-that-joke-was-so-unimaginably-funny laugh track runs as the kids walk down the stairs, their heads hung in shame.
Wouldn't that be awesome? Another thing that's always good is some flavor of a free-loading uncle that lives in the basement.
Boyfriends: Boyfriends are also a very predictable part of television. That's why this section will be so short. ACTUALLY, it will be short because I had already written up this whole gayload of a section WEEKS ago, but my computer FELL ILL and the file was lost. But I digress. This is about boyfriends. Black sitcoms, to my knowledge, generally don't have plots focused around CONTROVERSIAL boyfriends. They usually just have a PESKY next door neighbor named Roger that's always waiting on their porch or watching them take showers. ANYWHO, if there were to be an episode of a black sitcom about a boyfriend, I think it would be the source of BOUNDLESS HILARITY if the father was the head of a chapter of the Black Panthers or something and the boyfriend was an albino that owns a plantation. In Italian sitcoms, the boyfriend will almost always be some leather jacket wearing motorcycle riding rebel like Marlon Brando, or the older brother in Blossom or something. If not that, he will be Steve Urkel or a robot Steve Urkel designed to be a security guard in a deli. White families are usually the same as the Italian ones(When it comes to boyfriends). Spanish families generally live in caves or an apartment complex with Jerry Seinfeld and, needless to say, never have boyfriend episodes(OR JOBS, HAHAHA). All of the other ones either don't matter.
All of the other things really aren't that important. That is to say, I can't remember anything else. The basic things that make TV good are sex, vacation episodes, violence, and episodes where a dog swallows a wedding ring or something like that. Oh yeah, and spin-offs, lots of spin-offs. Now you know why you enjoy TV. Please e-mail me. PLEASE. And link me.