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Counts of Love |
NEW POP
BAND “GIRLS WITH ATTITUDE” SPARKS WORLDWIDE CHAOS!
Shockingly, the newly emerging pop group, known as “GWA” (Girls
With Attitude), is slowly destroying the serenity of the world as we know
it! This “family of friends,” as they
call themselves, are comprised of eight highly dangerous nine year 9 year
old girls. They have been recently discovered to have been holding high
technology anti-telestatis equipment in their recording studio that has
the power of controlling minds. Even though nobody knows it right now, the
terrorist actions of Osama Bin Laden were all completely controlled by
these sinister pop singers. Sandy Wetherbough, top scientific expert on
anti-telestatisism, explained to me how it all works. “This equipment that
the girls are holding is about as state-of-the-art as it gets. These girls
have this huge satellite in orbit right now that is being sent messages
from the main computer. That’s what’s in the recording studio. Now this
huge satellite sends down these intertelic rays that give the victims
brain electro-magnetic pulses that can make the person of choice think
whatever the girls programmed into the computer. Tricky, yes. Stoppable,
no.” Shamus Seaworth, the CIA
Investigator assigned to this case, thinks we should track down the
satellite and blow it to hell. “It’s the only logical thing to do,” said
the sensible fox. “All we need to do is track it down, which won’t be so
hard, considering 93% of satellites are owned by countries. The others are
all owned by private companies that nobody’s ever heard of in their lives.
I say we blow all of those ones to hell. Who’s going to notice?” Okay
great. So we blast all of those other ones into oblivion. You’re right, it
won’t do much. EXCEPT DESTROY THE WORLD’S ECONOMY, YOU ASS! To conclude, I believe that these
kids aren’t going to give up without a fight. They have obviously not yet
gone through puberty, and are trying to have their last outburst of bad
behavior before, you know. Anyway, to rid ourselves of this problem, I
believe that we should round up all the girls in America under the age of
ten and execute them. That way, we’re sure to get those suckers in the
end! This is Simon Somners, weekly columnist, saying, “GOOD NIGHT
AMERICA!” ALDP'S SUPER UPDATE! We have attained the names an
codenames of the members of GWA. ALDP'S FUN
SPACE! Fun activity! Put your index fingers about an inch in front of your nose. Point them at eachother and let your vision blur. It will look like there is a little hot dog floating in front of you! And the hot dog has finger nails! And wrinkles like those of your index fingers! But don't try to bite it! |
