Simon Somners Weekly Columnist

HITLER IS ALIVE!

Last week, the FBI acquired information that Adolf Hitler, now 112 years old, is in fact not dead, but preaching to illiterate peasants in a poor Argentinean village! For some reason, the FBI went to this village, and they were demonstrating how to check DNA. For some coincidental reason, the FBI chose Hitler to demonstrate this test on, and his identity was revealed! To the FBI’s dismay, Hitler disappeared into the woods on foot with seven of his converted Argentinean Nazis and 500 tons of nuclear missiles. Before he escaped, he shouted something in German that was later translated into, “I’m going to blow up your Jewish cities!”

The president was about as concerned on this matter as he was about the environmental friendliness treaty that the U.N. requested him to sign last year which he declined, of course. Instead, he lazily replied, “Aww, shoot. Just send over a couple ‘o FBI people to do the job. Shucks! Now ya made me miss mah favorite TV show! Git outta here ya losers!” Well, God bless America Mr. Bush.

Dick Sharpshot, the FBI’s special agent assigned to the mission of capturing Hitler and his followers had a lot to say on the matter. “We have met the enemy. He is big. He is tough. He is German. And he has allied himself with the Mormon community of ignorance. To capture this Nazi scumbag, we will take EVERY POSSIBLE precaution necessary. This will not be easy. Actually, it will be hard. Many of you will lose your lives. BUT, it will be for a good cause. I have no further comment.” What a buttclown.

When asked about his opinion of the matter, aging television interviewer Larry King said this: “Let me just give you a little brief details. Last week on Wednesday, five former members of the Symbionese Liberation Army were charged with first degree murder in an April 1975 bank heist. During that robbery at the Crocker National Bank in Carmichael, California, 42-year-old Myrna Opsahl, a customer who was depositing a weekend collection was shot and killed. Four of those charged, including Sara Jane Olson were arrested, the fifth suspect remains a fugitive. Kidnapped newspaper heiress Patty Hearst has long since admitted to driving the getaway car for that heist. She was granted immunity in the case years ago. Those charged are Sara Jane Olson, also known as Kathy Soliah, Bill Harris, Bill's former wife Emily, Michael Bortin, and James William Kilgore. And James William Kilgore has yet to be apprehended.” Well Larry, I think your old, retarded body is once again, giving us the erroneous information. Thanks for nothing.

Will the FBI capture this crazy German? Will Hitler destroy a major Jewish city with his giant stash of nuclear missiles? What will become of his Argentinean counterparts? Does Santa sleep with his beard inside or outside the covers? The world may never know. And remember, stay tuned for next week’s Simon Somners article!