Christmas is over, the New Year is down the drain, and the school vacation is as gone as a Eskimo child surrounded by bloodthirsty gorillas.  But what?  What is this holiday season madness all about?  Gifts.  Cards.  Family.  Relatives.  Togetherness.  I say, “BULL!”  Do you think the reason that God wanted the baby Jesus to be born so that a bunch of shopping-crazed idiots could celebrate his birth by giving each other presents 2000 years later?  I DON'T THINK SO!  That's as stupid as saying Satan is an angel!  Or that Simon Somners is stupid!  Yeah, I like that analogy better.  Do you really think that God said, "Hey everyone , the savior is born, now give each other presents"?  No, you don't.  It's Jesus' birthday, not yours.  It's really , truly disturbing when I see kids kissing their parents asses so they buy them the newest "Sunshine Flower Barbie" or "Super Mega Killer Warrior".  Kind of like when I was young.  I associated Christmas with two words: Presents, food.  Sure, the average American loser will tell their kids the true meaning of Christmas, and tell these poor children that they should think about it as the birthday of Jesus, and the little kids nod their heads and pretend they understand, but do you really think they care?  DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY GIVE TWO HAIRS OFF A DONKEY'S ASS?  No, they don't.  All they want is presents! 

As for New Year, I actually think this is the event that is more stupid than a jellyfish that's been injected with brain-dissolving fluid.  Seriously, IT'S STUPID!  I mean, big deal.  A new year.  Another number at the end of the date.  Whoopee!  I mean they might as well celebrate every other day on the calendar as well.  After all, they only come once a year too!  Hey everybody , happy November the 17th Day!  Let’s eat cake!  And what I really don't understand is why people are so happy when the ball finally drops?  It's like, because it's a new year, I'm going to act like a retard on speed, just for kicks.  NO POINT BUDDY!  Now get outta here, you worthless chunk of pig vomit, and don't ever talk to me again!

-Simon Somners

ALDP'S FUN FACT!

When men are hanged, they often get erections or even ejaculate after they go unconcious.  This is the origin of the wildly popular male pastime of autoerotic asphyxiation.  But before you grab that extension cord and get ready to feel gooood, Junior, heed this warning:  Autoerotic asphyxiation without professional supervision is a rising cause of death in teenage boys.  Look through your phone book or, better yet, ask your mother if she knows of any good places to safely jack off while you strangle yourself.